A re-introduction

A few affirmations before I begin:

I am choosing to write now as a therapeutic process and for documentation.

I am writing this as a first step to launch into the next phase of my life.

I am not going to judge this, I am simply going to be Rhonda Marie, the same Rhonda I've always been.

*deep inhale*

My first headshot in 2007

In 2009, after three years of "acting-on-the side," while working as a speech therapist, I embarked on a journey to officially begin my career as a full time actor. I got accepted to the highly coveted School at Steppenwolf summer training program, quit my full time job as a school speech pathologist,  and made steps to finally pursue my dream fully.

In the thick of it in 2009

School of Steppenwolf -I'm in the green

 A rigorous and life altering experience, the School launched me into my career into full speed.  Within a month of graduating, I had an agent, booked my first commercial job, and was cast in a play. I spent two years auditioning like crazy, starring in plays, commercials, and doing lots of understudy work at the major equity theaters in Chicago. I vigorously trained in Shakespeare, Meisner, and other techniques, while working super part time as an early intervention speech therapist. Although it was stressful, it was always exciting, and I lived and breathed my new life.  I had  never felt more driven and motivated.  I learned tons of things about the world, met some amazing people, and grew light years as a person. I felt like " this is who I am, who I was meant to be: this is the life I always wanted to live!

Feeling fierce and fearless in 2010

Towards the early part of 2011, things began to shift.  My boyfriend of four years moved to New York to pursue his film career, and although I wanted to join him, I felt I wasn't ready.  I was just now making strides in the Chicago theater world, growing in my craft, and figuring out the whole working-artist thing. But my plan was still to go, and I made steps to prepare for that move.  In the meantime, my mental health started to decline. Although, the whole "rejection thing" about acting is inevitable, it was really difficult for me to deal with.  I started to get really anxious when auditioning (to the point where I would cry in anguish before and after), and even started to dread attending them, even if it was for a job I really wanted.  My scattered schedule proved to not be the best match for me:  I was working daytime shows in schools, seeing speech therapy clients, going on adjusting is, taking classes, traveling to Wisconsin to facilitate trainings, and understudying plays. I was constantly stretched too thin, late, unprepared, emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. In the spring of 2011, after understudying a play at Steppenwolf, I decided to take a break from acting. It was a tough decision but I felt it was best while I focused on my mental health and financial stability.  I didn't know when or if I would come back to acting full time, but it was a step I needed to take.  So, In the fall of 2011, I went back to work in the schools.  I was in recovery mode and I had a lot to sort through in my head.

Six months later, I was engaged.  Six months after that...we got married!

A week later, I joined my husband in New York, and continued working full time again in the New York Public Schools.  

Yes, that all happened.

It was the fastest time in my entire life, and I'm still processing. I spent the first three months of my newly married life on autopilot, trying to find my footing after experiencing four major life events in a two week period. Work gave me stability and a consistent schedule, but there was no denying that I was missing the creative part of me: the artist---the actor.  To feed my craving, I enrolled in a monologue class which help me in reducing my new found "audition anxiety."  I auditioned for a few small projects here and there to sort of test the waters but was still afraid of stepping back in fully. I still felt like that "super ambitious, go-getter "  in me was gone, and my time to be young and hopeful passed.  As the school year progressed, I tried make myself believe that working as a school speech therapist was where was supposed to end up. I would say to myself, "hey, you have great benefits, a set schedule, summers off...why would you dare change that?" I pretended to enjoy work, and although I had some good days with my students, I was incredibly unfulfilled, unmotivated and just plain unhappy. I dreaded almost every day. I spent many days feeling like a zombie, going through the motions, looking forward to only three things: 12:00 (lunchtime), 3:00(end of day), and 2:30 on Fridays (early dismissal).

During my summer off, I was cast in a new play with talented actors. Although the experience was not perfect or ideal (more about that in another post),  I made new friends and became connected with the artist community I had been missing. I REALLY wanted to go back to acting  full time at that point,  but I was still fearful of taking the leap (AGAIN) and experiencing some of the negative things I did before. I also didn't have a plan. So, in September of this year, I begrudgingly went back to work.

It is now November, and approximately a month ago, I decided that it is time. My BREAK is officially over:  I have decided to tell fear to step aside as a re-launch my acting career in New York. Instead of allowing my past experience to cripple me, I will use it to guide and inspire me. 

Today, I read a post from my old blog, SOLE DIAMOND  and was so motivated by my four-years-ago self. I was so young and green,yet extremely brave and tenacious.  After reading, I realize that I still am.  I am still that Rhonda Marie, and I always will be.

Time to unleash her once again.

 









Rhonda Marie